Sunday, 28 April 2013

How humble USB turned engineer into tech 'rock star'

With computer technology advancing at an ever bewildering pace, it's comforting to know that one little feature remains steadfastly future-proof and, more importantly, foolproof.
The USB (Universal Serial Bus) is as relevant today as it was when the 12 millimeter by 4.5 millimeter ports and cables first started appearing back in the late 1990s, providing users with a discreet and straightforward way of transferring data between a range of digital devices.
Today, more than 10 billion USB devices are believed to be in use around the world -- a statistic that has secured its co-inventor, Ajay Bhatt, a permanent place in computing's unofficial hall of fame.
"I was totally surprised by how it has impacted everybody. I mean, my name became a common name -- at least at schools and in technical communities," Bhatt said.
The engineer's high standing in computing circles was famously celebrated in a 2009 advertising campaign by his employers, Intel, where an actor portraying Bhatt strutted into a lab full of starstruck co-workers.
"I truly get a rock star treatment and that is quite unusual to me -- people asking for your signature, people asking for your picture."
Silent success of BLUMOTION hinge
Divine inspiration behind Post-it Notes
Harvesting rubber from dandelions
His journey to digital immortality began in the early 1990s amid the growing tangle of chunky cables and portals which linked the separate devices on PCs and laptops.
One cable would talk to the keyboard, Bhatt recalls, while another would connect a modem. A different cable enabled printing, with another linking the hard drive to the monitor.
"It was more difficult than it needed to be," he says.
"You were looking at two devices with connecting wires and you wanted things to happen but the rules weren't that simple. It was very difficult for the average person to use it. All the technology at that point was developed for technologists by technologists."
He set about creating a single connection for computers across the entire industry. For six years he lobbied colleagues at Intel and then at other computer firms, urging everyone to jump on the bus.
"Initially, it was difficult for them to understand the merits. We had a big tent and we included everybody, we listened to everybody's input and tried to address them to the best of our abilities and that's why USB is successful," Bhatt said.
It was all easier said than done, he says, requiring a radical change in the industry's eco-system.
"In order to be successful in anything like this you have to look at the problem from their perspective. So, if I went to, say, Compaq -- which is now (owned by) Hewlett-Packard -- we used to think about their issues and what problems they faced," he said.
USB was good because it addressed some of the customer satisfaction issues while also helping computer hardware manufacturers to save money.
Bhatt's own commercial expectations for his invention were initially quite modest.
"I thought this was a (one off) $40 million opportunity," he says. "I couldn't imagine where USB has gone or where it will continue to go. This has exceeded the wildest of my imaginations."
A lot of people told you that this couldn't be done and then you go to the store or talk to users. They'll all delighted by the USB, how easy it is.
Ajay Bhatt, Intel engineer
The first model (USB 1) arrived on the market in the late 1990s and was an instant hit. Later versions -- USB 2.0 released 2000 and USB 3.0 which debuted in 2008 -- have vastly improved data transfer speeds.
"USB 3.0 is 400 times faster (than our original USB) and as we go forward I see USB going to 816 times faster," Bhatt says.
"It's evolving. The great part of USB is that the first device that you bought can still work with computers today, and hopefully it will work with computers in the future."
Today, around two billion USB's are shipped every year, with millions being sold every day.
But the project has never been about the money, says the 56-year-old.
"Somebody interviewed me once and they said, I don't know, I don't know, if I made a penny per USB point and Intel made a penny per USB point then we would have made a lot of money," he says.
"I think what we did was we created an open standard that everybody can benefit. What I am happy to see is that everybody participates in this eco-system and they are all making money."
The real bottom line for Bhatt though has been an enduring sense of worth in his own personal capital.
"I think for any engineer to see your ideas, your visions on a shelf on a store is an incredible feeling -- you know, because you created something, you imagined something," he says.
"A lot of people told you that this couldn't be done and then you go to the store or talk to users. They'll all delighted by the USB, how easy it is. It makes you feel good."

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

richfun: SEXY TECH QUOTE

richfun: SEXY TECH QUOTE

Billionaire plans world's biggest plane for orbital launches

The band is getting back together: Seven years after winning the $10 million Ansari X Prize, software billionaire Paul Allen and aerospace guru Burt Rutan are teaming up with SpaceX and other top-flight rocketeers to create an air-launched orbital delivery system. They say the venture will require the construction of the largest aircraft ever flown.
Allen unveiled his new company, Stratolaunch Systems, at a Seattle news conference today. It marks his first space venture since the partnership with Rutan to build the prize-winning SpaceShipOne rocket plane, which became the first privately developed craft to reach outer space in 2004.
The Seattle native, who made his fortune as a Microsoft co-founder, said he's long dreamed of following up on SpaceShipOne's success with another revolutionary space effort. "You have a certain number of dreams in your life that you want to fulfill, and this is a dream I'm very excited about," he told journalists and VIPs at the headquarters of Vulcan Inc., which serves as the umbrella company for many of Allen's ventures.

Rutan, who retired from Scaled Composites in April at the age of 67, will serve as a board member for Stratolaunch. He said Allen was the "perfect team member and customer" when they worked on SpaceShipOne. "I'm looking forward to doing that again," Rutan said.
The new venture is significant for the revival of the Allen-Rutan partnership, with the addition of California-based SpaceX and Alabama-based Dynetics as new suppliers. It's like putting Roy Orbison and Bruce Springsteen on the same music stage. 
Other players include Gary Wentz, a former chief engineer at NASA, who will serve as Stratolaunch's CEO and president; and former NASA Administrator Mike Griffin, who is on the board.  Griffin said the Stratolaunch air-launch system could make spaceflight more routine by removing many of the constraints associated with ground-based launches. However, getting the company off the ground will require a large investment as well as "the courage to fly through failure to get to success," Griffin said.
Allen agreed that his latest venture won't come cheap. He said he'll spend "at least an order of magnitude more than I put into SpaceShipOne." Allen's investment in SpaceShipOne was estimated at $25 to $30 million, which suggests he's prepared to put at least $250 million to $300 million into Stratolaunch.
Mothership plus rocket
The Stratolaunch system would super-size the arrangement used for the SpaceShipOne launches: Scaled Composites has been tapped to build a carrier airplane that weighs more than 1.2 million pounds, with a wingspan of more than 380 feet. That tonnage rivals the weight of the Antonov An-225, which is recognized as the world's heaviest aircraft. Stratolaunch's dual-fuselage plane would be powered by six 747 engines, and would require a 12,000-foot runway for landing.

Wentz said the venture already has a contract to acquire two Boeing 747s. The engines as well as other subsystems would be used on the Stratolaunch super-carrier. However, Scaled Composites President Doug Shane told me that the 747's metal skin wouldn't go onto the plane. Instead, the new plane's wings and fuselage structure would be fabricated from advanced carbon composites.
Rutan joked that the plane was "relatively close to building, as soon as we can get a building big enough."
The plane would be capable of flying up to 1,300 nautical miles to reach its launch point. SpaceX would provide a shortened version of its Falcon 9 rocket for the next phase of Stratolaunch's route to orbit. Wentz described it as a "Falcon 4 or 5." The multistage booster would be attached to the plane using a mating and integration system developed by Dynetics, and released during the mothership's flight at high altitude. After release, the 490,000-pound rocket would light up to send commercial and government payloads weighing up to 13,500 pounds into low Earth orbit.
Elaine Thompson / AP
Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen, right, shakes hands with former NASA Administrator Mike Griffin as aerospace pioneer Burt Rutan looks on, following a Seattle news conference to announce the creation of Stratolaunch Systems.
Griffin said the Stratolaunch system would initially serve "a thriving commercial satellite market, small to medium" — the type of market previously served by the now-retired Delta 2 rocket.
Wentz said the rocket to be developed by SpaceX would not compete with SpaceX's own Falcon 9, which can lift 23,050 pounds to low Earth orbit from Cape Canaveral. SpaceX's vice president for government sales, Adam Harris, concurred: "This is actually a complementary capability ... There's room in that [payload] class for something new," he told me.
Allen said the Stratolaunch system won't take on human passengers until the system's safety and reliability are fully demonstrated. But if and when it does, "we could be very competitive" with the $60 million-a-seat fee that the Russians will be charging NASA over the next few years, he said. Rutan suggested that people could make up a significant share of the payloads in the longer term. "I don't think there's any limit to the number of payloads in that category," he said.
Stratolaunch's briefing materials said more than 100 people have already been assigned to the effort in California and Florida as well as in Alabama, where the company is headquartered. Flight tests are projected to begin in 2016. The plane will be tested at the Mojave Air and Space Port in California, but the base for launch operations has not yet been selected.
Re-entering the space race
Allen and his partners say air-launched systems can send payloads into space at lower cost, with greater safety, more flexibility and faster turnaround time than ground-launched systems. That would be because the carrier airplane effectively gives the rocket a head start on its ascent to orbit, and can launch from a variety of midflight locations. But the launch industry is becoming more competitive, thanks in part to the rise of SpaceX and smaller rocket companies such as Masten Space Systems and Armadillo Aerospace.

Someday, Allen and Rutan may find themselves in competition with Virgin Galactic, which has incorporated SpaceShipOne technology into the SpaceShipTwo rocket plane and is expected to start commercial service in the next year or two. Today, however, Virgin Galactic issued a statement welcoming the new venture.
"It takes me back to the exciting conversations the three of us had in 2004 when we first started talking about commercializing SpaceShipOne technology," Virgin Galactic's founder, British billionaire Richard Branson, said in the statement. "We've come a long way since then; WhiteKnightTwo and SpaceShipTwo are built and flying, and we have nearly 500 private individuals and science researchers signed up and ready to fly. The potential of the industry we are leading is immense but will depend on the continuing emergence of truly safe, affordable and transformative technologies. Burt and Paul's record in that respect is unmatched. I hope that in due course, in partnership with Stratolaunch and others, we will be able to repeat the pattern that has worked so spectacularly well in the suborbital sphere, for orbital spaceflight.”
The commercial space race may have changed over the past seven years, but Allen clearly wants to get back on the track. At the end of his autobiography, "Idea Man," he dropped a broad hint about the plans announced today. "I'm just now considering a new initiative with that magical contraption I never wearied of sketching as a boy: the rocket ship," he wrote. "Someone, after all, is going to have to get behind SpaceShipThree."
But does Allen expect to ride the Stratolaunch into space someday? During the news conference, the 58-year-old billionaire said he'd probably wait until a good number of flights have been flown. "I'm actually a really conservative guy in some aspects," he confessed.

SEXY TECH QUOTE


Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
-Albert Einstein

"I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world." -Albert Einstein
Things should be made as simple as possible, but not any simpler.
-Albert Einstein

Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means for going backwards.
-Aldous Huxley

"The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again."
-AL Goodman

The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do.
-B. F. Skinner Contingencies of Reinforcement, 1969

It is only when they go wrong that machines remind you how powerful they are.-Clive James
One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man.
-Elbert Hubbard, The Roycroft Dictionary and Book of Epigrams, 1923
If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of giants.
-Isaac Newton

Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked.
-Jeff Pesis

Man is still the most extraordinary computer of all.
-John F. Kennedy

The production of too many useful things results in too many useless people.
-Karl Marx

"Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers."
-Leonard Brandwein

All of the biggest technological inventions created by man - the airplane, the automobile, the computer - says little about his intelligence, but speaks volumes about his laziness.
-Mark Kennedy

Man is the lowest-cost, 150-pound, nonlinear, all-purpose computer system which can be mass-produced by unskilled labor.
-NASA in 1965

"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers."
-Pablo Picasso

"To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer."
-Paul Ehrlich

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
-Rich Cook

Computers are like bikinis. They save people a lot of guesswork.
-Sam Ewing

“Technology has the shelf life of a banana.”
-Scott McNealy

Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window.
-Steve Wozniak

The most important thing in science is not so much to obtain new facts as to discover new ways of thinking about them
-Sir William Bragg

Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless.
-Thomas Alva Edison

Anyone who puts a small gloss on a fundamental technology, calls it proprietary, and then tries to keep others from building on it, is a thief.
-Tim O'Reilly

The empires of the future are the empires of the mind.
-Winston Churchill

All of the biggest technological inventions created by man - the airplane, the automobile, the computer - says little about his intelligence, but speaks volumes about his laziness.  ~Mark Kennedy


Inventor:  A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization.  ~Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary


Modern technology
Owes ecology
An apology.
~Alan M. Eddison


It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.  ~Albert Einstein


One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men.  No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man.  ~Elbert Hubbard, The Roycroft Dictionary and Book of Epigrams, 1923


For a successful technology, reality must take precedence over public relations, for Nature cannot be fooled.  ~Richard P. Feynman


If it keeps up, man will atrophy all his limbs but the push-button finger.  ~Frank Lloyd Wright


Soon silence will have passed into legend.  Man has turned his back on silence.  Day after day he invents machines and devices that increase noise and distract humanity from the essence of life, contemplation, meditation...tooting, howling, screeching, booming, crashing, whistling, grinding, and trilling bolster his ego.  His anxiety subsides.  His inhuman void spreads monstrously like a gray vegetation.  ~Jean Arp


Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means for going backwards.  ~Aldous Huxley


Technology... the knack of so arranging the world that we don't have to experience it.  ~Max Frisch


Do you realize if it weren't for Edison we'd be watching TV by candlelight?  ~Al Boliska


Western society has accepted as unquestionable a technological imperative that is quite as arbitrary as the most primitive taboo:  not merely the duty to foster invention and constantly to create technological novelties, but equally the duty to surrender to these novelties unconditionally, just because they are offered, without respect to their human consequences.  ~Lewis Mumford


God never made his work for man to mend.
~John Dryden


It is a medium of entertainment which permits millions of people to listen to the same joke at the same time, and yet remain lonesome.  ~T.S. Eliot, about radio


Technology... is a queer thing.  It brings you great gifts with one hand, and it stabs you in the back with the other.  ~C.P. Snow, New York Times, 15 March 1971


Don't get smart alecksy
With the galaxy
Leave the atom alone.
~E.Y. Harburg, "Leave the Atom Alone," 1957


The drive toward complex technical achievement offers a clue to why the U.S. is good at space gadgetry and bad at slum problems.  ~John Kenneth Galbraith


The system of nature, of which man is a part, tends to be self-balancing, self-adjusting, self-cleansing.  Not so with technology.  ~E.F. Schumacher, Small is Beautiful, 1973


I am sorry to say that there is too much point to the wisecrack that life is extinct on other planets because their scientists were more advanced than ours.  ~John F. Kennedy


The most important and urgent problems of the technology of today are no longer the satisfactions of the primary needs or of archetypal wishes, but the reparation of the evils and damages by the technology of yesterday.  ~Dennis Gabor, Innovations:  Scientific, Technological and Social, 1970


This is perhaps the most beautiful time in human history; it is really pregnant with all kinds of creative possibilities made possible by science and technology which now constitute the slave of man - if man is not enslaved by it.  ~Jonas Salk


Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain.  ~J.K. Rowling


As far as I'm concerned, progress peaked with frozen pizza.  ~From the movie Die Hard 2, spoken by the character John McClane regarding technological advances, screenplay by Steven E. de Souza and Doug Richardson, based on the novel 58 Minutes by Walter Wager


I like my new telephone, my computer works just fine, my calculator is perfect, but Lord, I miss my mind!  ~Author Unknown


The production of too many useful things results in too many useless people.  ~Karl Marx


The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.  ~Isaac Asimov, Isaac Asimov's Book of Science and Nature Quotations, 1988


When a machine begins to run without human aid, it is time to scrap it - whether it be a factory or a government.  ~Alexander Chase, Perspectives, 1966


We are becoming the servants in thought, as in action, of the machine we have created to serve us.  ~John Kenneth Galbraith


Man is a slow, sloppy and brilliant thinker; the machine is fast, accurate and stupid.  ~William M. Kelly


I'm struck by the insidious, computer-driven tendency to take things out of the domain of muscular activity and put them into the domain of mental activity.  The transfer is not paying off.  Sure, muscles are unreliable, but they represent several million years of accumulated finesse.  ~Brian Eno, Wired, January 1999


Use of advanced messaging technology does not imply an endorsement of western industrial civilization.  ~Anonymous email sig line


Once upon a time we were just plain people.  But that was before we began having relationships with mechanical systems.  Get involved with a machine and sooner or later you are reduced to a factor.  ~Ellen Goodman, "The Human Factor," The Washington Post, January 1987


I think I should not go far wrong if I asserted that the amount of genuine leisure available in a society is generally in inverse proportion to the amount of labor-saving machinery it employs.  ~E.F. Schumacher


Technology presumes there's just one right way to do things and there never is.  ~Robert M. Pirsig


It is difficult not to wonder whether that combination of elements which produces a machine for labor does not create also a soul of sorts, a dull resentful metallic will, which can rebel at times.  ~Pearl S. Buck


The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do.  ~B.F. Skinner, Contingencies of Reinforcement, 1969


The machine does not isolate man from the great problems of nature but plunges him more deeply into them.  ~Saint-Exupéry, Wind, Sand, and Stars, 1939


What the country needs are a few labor-making inventions.  ~Arnold Glasow


Humanity is acquiring all the right technology for all the wrong reasons.  ~R. Buckminster Fuller


The greatest task before civilization at present is to make machines what they ought to be, the slaves, instead of the masters of men.  ~Havelock Ellis


The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog.  The man will be there to feed the dog.  The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment.  ~Warren G. Bennis


It is questionable if all the mechanical inventions yet made have lightened the day's toil of any human being.  ~John Stuart Mill


Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.  ~Arthur C. Clarke


You cannot endow even the best machine with initiative; the jolliest steam-roller will not plant flowers.  ~Walter Lippmann


We live in a society exquisitely dependent on science and technology, in which hardly anyone knows anything about science and technology.  ~Carl Sagan


Where there is the necessary technical skill to move mountains, there is no need for the faith that moves mountains.  ~Eric Hoffer


We've arranged a civilization in which most crucial elements profoundly depend on science and technology.  We have also arranged things so that almost no one understands science and technology.  This is a prescription for disaster.  We might get away with it for a while, but sooner or later this combustible mixture of ignorance and power is going to blow up in our faces.  ~Carl Sagan


Civilization advances by extending the number of important operations which we can perform without thinking of them.  ~Alfred North Whitehead


Education makes machines which act like men and produces men who act like machines.  ~Erich Fromm


Some people worry that artificial intelligence will make us feel inferior, but then, anybody in his right mind should have an inferiority complex every time he looks at a flower.  ~Alan C. Kay


Lo! Men have become the tools of their tools.  ~Henry David Thoreau


For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three.  ~Alice Kahn


The real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like computers.  ~Sydney J. Harris

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

XXX domains now trending

(Mashable)-- Is it just me or is the ICANN plan to corral online porn going terribly wrong? We already have reports that universities are snapping up XXX domains in an effort to get ahead of porn pranksters who want to besmirch a few good online names with smut.
I guess this turn of events was obvious to anyone with half a brain.
Legitimate porn sites have little interest in the triple X domains, which went on sale earlier this week, for their businesses because they see them as potential censorship and, more importantly, they thrive on people accidentally stumbling on their URLs.
In the early days of the web this was common because porn purveyors snapped up known names and brands -- none of which had to feature an obvious porn domain label. That's how "Whitehouse.com" ended up, for a time, as a porn site.
.XXX was designed to improve the situation. No more accidentally typing in, well, something you didn't intend. With a designated porn domain, it's unlikely anyone would end up in the wrong place.
Better yet, corporations and homes could easily block all .XXX domains. That's the plan, but if pornographers stay away and legitimate people, companies, businesses and universities race to snap up any and all XXX domain names that could be construed as theirs, then this triple XXX domain could be an embarrassing failure for the ICANN (Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers).
Think I'm exaggerating? The AP reports that 80,000 XXX domains were sold in presale and many companies like Pepsi and Nike lined up to purchase adult domains. The University of Kansas reportedly just paid $3,000 for a variety of XXX URLs.
It's unlikely anyone will ever type in www.KUgirls.xxx, but that's not the point. The university just wanted to be safe. I understand the impulse. Even as I'm writing this, I'm wondering if I, too, should try to protect my good name by buying the LanceUlanoff.xxx domain.
I know where to go. GoDaddy.com is registering them for $99 a year, making these domains considerably more expensive than standard domains (which you can buy at various sites at anywhere from $1.99 or $9.99 -- yearly maintenance fees are then more expensive).
According to the website, if I wanted to launch an adult website under that URL, I actually have to become an "Internet Community Member" and then confirm my status of "the sponsored adult entertainment community". My guess is that this is how the ICANN polices the URLs, to ensure that someone isn't registering someone else's brand as a porn site.
I have no plans to do so, which conveniently means I do not have to become a part of the "Community." GoDaddy tells me this too, and is -- fortunately, I guess -- only too happy to help me park my URL for the same exorbitant fee.
Atop GoDaddy's XXX domain registration page is this: "Let's be adult about it. Create an adult Web presence or protect your brand." This is followed by an explanation of why you'd want to register an XXX domain. Note what it starts with:
"Secure your brand. Protect your reputation."
"Perhaps you'd like to create an adult entertainment website. Or maybe you're here to keep your brand from being registered as a .XXX by someone else. Whatever your reasons for wanting a .XXX domain, you've come to the right place. To check the availability of your domain, type the name you want into the search box above. "
GoDaddy has built its brand with coy references to sex (check out any of its Super Bowl ads), but it's not being coy here. The message is clear: If you don't want someone launching a porn XXX domain with your name or brand, you'd better let GoDaddy take your money and register it for you.
While I see the parallels with the early days of the web, this situation is different in one fundamental way: Those snapping up the domains for protection will never use them. No one outside the porn industry wants to run a live XXX domain website. These businesses and universities are simply buying them in what GoDaddy actually calls "Defensive Registrations" to hide them from view forever (and they'll pay GoDaddy yearly fees to do so).
Instead of creating a solution, the ICANN's apparently misguided efforts have spawned a new anxiety: "Your Brand Name in Porn." The fear is so strong that it's got all these people buying up domains just so the wrong people can't get them. As I see it, this could be quite a windfall for GoDaddy. The company should send the ICANN a thank-you note.

Laugh at funny Santa Claus Jokes!

Why does Santa always go down the chimney?
Because it soots him!
(that's one of Santa's favourite jokes! *HO! Ho! ho!*)

Where does Santa stay when he's on holidays?
At a Ho-ho-tel!

What does Mrs. Claus sing to Santy on his birthday?
"Freeze a jolly good fellow!"

What does Santa put on his toast?
"Jingle Jam"

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!

An honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were walking down the street and saw a $20 bill.  Which one picked it up??
Santa!  The other two don't exist!

What do you do if Santa Claus gets stuck in your chimney?
Pour Santa flush on him!

What does Santa say to the toys on Christmas Eve?
Okay everyone, sack time!

What do the elves call it when Père Noël claps his hands at the end of a play?
Santapplause!

Why does Santa like to work in his garden?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!

What do you call a kitty on the beach on Christmas morning?
Sandy Claws!

Who delivers presents to dentist offices?
Santa Jaws!

Who delivers Christmas presents to elephants?
Elephanta Claus!

What do you get if Santa comes down the chimney while the fire is still burning?
Crisp Kringle!

Why does St. Nicholas have a white beard?
So he can hide at the North Pole!

What do you call Santa when he has no money?
Saint "Nickel"-less!

What smells most in a chimney?
Santa's nose!

What does Kris Kringle like to get when he goes to the donut shop?
A jolly roll!

What do you call someone who doesn't believe in Father Christmas?
A rebel without a Claus!

What is invisible but smells like milk and cookies?
Kris Kringle burps!

What did Santa get when he crossed a woodpecker with kleenex?
Rapping paper!

What does Santa like to have for breakfast?
Mistle-"toast"!

Why does Santa take presents to children around the world?
Because the presents won't take themselves!

What does Santa use when he goes fishing?
His north pole!

How do we know Santa is such a good race car driver?
Because he's always in the pole position!

What is twenty feet tall, has sharp teeth and goes Ho Ho Ho?
Tyranno-santa Rex!

What's red & white and red & white and red & white?
Santa rolling down a hill!

What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he looked out the window?
Looks like "rain", "Dear"!

What's red and green and flies?
An airsick Santa Claus!

How does Père Noël take pictures?
With his North "Pole"-aroid!

Why does Santa's sleigh get such good mileage?
Because it has long-distance runners on each side!

What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh! Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
Santa caught in a revolving door!

What kind of motorcycle does Santy ride?
A "Holly" Davidson!

Where does Father Christmas go to vote?
The North Poll!

What's red and white and falls down the chimney?
Santa Klutz!

What do you call Saint Nick after he has come down the chimney?
Cinder Claus!

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish!

Why does Santa owe everything to the elves?
Because he is an elf-made man!

What goes oh, oh, oh?
Santa Claus walking backwards!

How many chimneys does Saint Nick go down?
Stacks!

What does Santa get if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobic!

What would you call Father Christmas if he became a detective?
Santa Clues!

Who delivers Christmas presents to pets?
Why, Santa Paws of course!

Thursday, 8 December 2011

WHO IS YOUR BEST JOKER?


A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Bob Hope

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.
Kevin Nealon

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Yogi Berra

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Bill Cosby


All men are equal before fish.
Herbert Hoover

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Hedy Lamarr

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
Tracey Ullman

Be obscure clearly.
E. B. White

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
P. J. O'Rourke

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Jim Carrey